Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
