If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
