I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
