I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
