I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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