worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
