On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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