I'm passing your future prison.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
