So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
