woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
