we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
