Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
