I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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