Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
