hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
try to milk me bitch
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