She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
