Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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