My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
my being single is dangerous.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
