Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
