I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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