Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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