I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
