Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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