she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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