Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
