I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
