I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
