The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
