you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
