The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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