Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
