I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
