called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
