I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
