Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
