were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
