Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Someone came in the potted fern
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
