I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
