worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
