I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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