She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
