Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
