Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
