woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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