Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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