Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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