I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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