Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
