Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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