he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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