im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
