We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
