tonight lets celebrate not being married
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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