i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
