She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
smell my finger.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
tell me about the fingering
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